“Donald Trump is now trying to appeal to Southerners. Yeah, he’s been touring the South and pointing to his hair, saying ‘How y’all like my critter?'” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump was supposed to be here tonight. Last night his people called, and canceled on us and were cryptic as to why he canceled. They said he had a major political commitment but wanted me to relay the message to you that if he had been here, he would have been great.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I’m dying to find out what this major political commitment was. Usually that means he had to go on CNN and call someone an idiot.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Don’t worry. Tonight we’re going to give everyone in the audience basketball dipped in cologne so you can fully experience what it would have been like had Donald Trump been here.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Canada’s new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, once put on a striptease show for charity. In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece.” – Conan O’Brien
“Canada elected a new Prime Minister named Justin Trudeau, and many consider the guy a heartthrob. The good news is, any Canadian heartthrob named Justin is sure to be popular forever.” – Conan O’Brien
