“Dr. Ben Carson made news last week by saying that the holocaust could have been averted if European Jews had had guns. Though I’m pretty sure what he meant to say was, ‘I don’t want to be president.'” – Seth Meyers
“Mayor Bill de Blasio signed a bill last week that requires stores here in New York City to keep their doors closed when their air conditioning is on. So apparently Bill de Blasio is not only our Mayor, he’s also our dad. ‘I’m not paying to cool off the whole world! SHUT THAT DOOR! Not in use? Turn off the juice!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“North Korea this weekend held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it ‘amazing’ and ‘mandatory’.” – Seth Meyers
“The White House yesterday released First Lady Michelle Obama’s Spotify playlist, which features Beyonce, Demi Lovato, and Esperanza Spalding. While Joe Biden’s playlist is just, ‘Now That’s What I Call Train Sounds: Volume 12.'” – Seth Meyers
