“Hillary Clinton’s 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary — she’s the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Former President Bill Clinton said yesterday that Donald Trump’s campaign has a certain ‘macho appeal.’ And then Trump said, ‘Whoever this Macho is, I want him deported.'” – Seth Meyers
“I read that Hillary’s staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn’t have an official theme. Then Hillary said, ‘Yes it does — revenge.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Anthropologists have released more information about a recently discovered extinct human species. We’re finding out all this really cool stuff. They say the species lived in trees, had brains the size of an orange, and plans to vote for Donald Trump for president.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study of the candidates’ Facebook fans found that Donald Trump’s fans have the worst grammar. Which isn’t surprising, since Trump’s whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. ‘We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O’Donnell and I’m very rich and here’s a red hat and…'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is reportedly planning new campaign events that will feature his wife, Melania. It’s a good chance for Trump to connect with female voters, and a GREAT chance for Melania to escape.” – Seth Meyers
“Donald Trump recently said, ‘I’m going all the way and I’m going to win.’ And Mike Huckabee said, ‘I’m going some of the way, then I’ll go home.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has a catch phrase. His catch phrase is ‘Feel the burn.’ Now he’s being sued because that’s Del Taco’s slogan.” – Conan O’Brien
“Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.” – Jimmy Fallon
“U.S. officials have been wondering why, according to photos, ISIS seems to have so many Toyotas. One clue seems to be ISIS’s credo, ‘Fanatical about Islam, sensible about gas mileage.'” – Conan O’Brien
