Political Irony

“Congrats to Barack and Michelle Obama, who just celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary. I guess that explains why this morning, Barack was seen running toward the Rose Garden with a vase and a pair of scissors. ‘Of course I remembered!'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Martin O’Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, is running for president. He’s at 2 percent in the polls. He’s been in the race eight months, and he’s only tied with low-fat milk.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Yesterday Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump during an interview on Telemundo. Clinton knew if there was one place she could criticize Trump without him finding out about it, it’s on Telemundo.” – Conan O’Brien

“It’s being reported that Donald Trump is mentioned on social media seven times more often than any other Republican candidate. And that’s just by Donald Trump.” – Conan O’Brien

“A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Everybody’s still talking about Donald Trump. A recent poll had voters describe Trump in one word, and a lot of them used the words ‘idiot’, ‘buffoon’, ‘clown’, and ‘jerk’. And those are the people voting for Trump. Of course, they also used other words, like ‘Still’, ‘better’, ‘than’ and ‘Jeb’.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Dr. Ben Carson hosted a Facebook Q&A last night, and said the loss of gun rights is more devastating than seeing people die from gun violence. So if Ben Carson is your doctor, definitely get a second opinion.” – Seth Meyers

“Dr. Ben Carson spoke with Kanye West recently and said that he is ‘very impressed’ with Kanye’s knowledge of business. And Kanye said that he is very impressed with Kanye’s knowledge of business.” – Seth Meyers

“Republicans say the economy is bad. So bad, in New York over on Park Avenue, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag.” – Jimmy Fallon

“I went out and saw the number one movie in America this weekend, ‘The Martian’. It’s the sci-fi thriller that takes place in the near future where — here’s the twist — NASA has a budget.” – Stephen Colbert

‘The Martian’ is expected to do particularly well when it launches in China. … This movie is a natural match for China. Because not only is the planet Mars red, I believe it has more oxygen than Beijing.” – Stephen Colbert