“Much to the dismay of many Republicans, a new report said Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, and one voter was quoted as saying, ‘Unfortunately, I’m leaning toward Trump.’ Even worse, that voter was Jeb Bush.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He’s got everything it takes.” – Conan O’Brien
“Donald Trump’s wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their 9-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that’s very unlikely to happen, he replied, ‘Dad’s in first place for president, anything can happen.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This is what happens when you give Donald Trump attention: Everyone else seems reasonable in comparison. Ben Carson is over here saying ‘You’re Hitler!’ ‘Obamacare is slavery!’ And we’re like, ‘Finally, an adult in the room!'” – James Corden
“Ben Carson has made a lot of controversial statements. He’s said prison turns people gay and that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to our country since slavery. And that was just to his waitress at breakfast.” – James Corden
“Ben Carson talks like he forgot he had a press conference and just took a load of Benadryl. This guy is a retired surgeon. Apparently, instead of giving his patients anesthesia, he just talked to them until they passed out.” – James Corden
“Due to Hurricane Joaquin Governor Christie has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Christie spent the day stocking up on tons of groceries — and then he heard about the hurricane.” – Conan O’Brien
“New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name ‘Joaquin’.” – Seth Meyers
“There’s another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio’s website already features some great merchandise like a Marco Polo shirt, or a water bottle that says ‘Water great nation.’ The fundraising breakthrough on the Rubio website is that for $250 you can adopt a Rubio staffer for a day. That really pulls at the heart strings. I wasn’t going to donate to Marco Rubio but I can’t let his staff who are evidently orphans go unpurchased.” – Stephen Colbert
“Jeb Bush, the front-runner who’s currently losing — if he won, Jeb Bush would be America’s third Bush president. Three presidents from the same family. Even I think that’s messed up, and I come from a country that still has a queen.” – James Corden
“Today is the day all candidates have to report to the Federal Election Commission how much money they’ve received in the past three months. The big news is that Vermont senator and rooftop beekeeper Bernie Sanders took in a whopping $26 million. That’s more than twice as much money as Jeb Bush pulled in, even though this summer I gave Jeb Bush $3.” – Stephen Colbert
“The Iowa caucuses are just a scant four months away. Meaning the presidential election is just around the corner from the corner we haven’t gotten around yet.” – Stephen Colbert
