“The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, ‘Let’s be honest. I probably won’t make it out of Philly.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope is coming to America tomorrow. When the Pope’s plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama is going to be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says ‘Pope’.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope’s going to be at the White House. As Trump put it, Obama is letting another Hispanic guy in.” – Conan O’Brien
“I read that certain data that measures how often a candidate’s name is mentioned showed that Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight. You can tell Trump’s status has faded, because today, he was named a contestant on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In politics, an expert is saying that Donald Trump’s handwriting reveals he is prone to anger and fear. After hearing about it, Trump was furious and then he got scared.” – Conan O’Brien
“Republican candidate Jeb Bush is struggling to get traction against Donald Trump. Trump is even dominating in Jeb’s home state of Florida, where the former governor is behind by 15 points. That makes sense that Florida likes Trump — they’re used to life-size cartoon characters with giant heads.” – Stephen Colbert
“Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has become the second GOP presidential hopeful to drop out of the 2016 race. He says he looks forward to his new job as the picture in the dictionary next to the word ‘duh’.” – Seth Meyers
“Scott Walker, the presidential candidate who is famous for riding a Harley, is dropping out of the race. Walker made the decision when he realized that all of his supporters could fit on his Harley.” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight, I’ll be tangling with Texas senator Ted Cruz. He is the third presidential candidate I’ve had on the show. I want to interview all of them, but I only have 200 shows a year.” – Stephen Colbert
“Republican candidate and neurosurgeon Dr. Carson is quoted as saying a Muslim should not be elected president. He apologized for the mistake and said, ‘Hey, I’m no brain surgeon.'” – Conan O’Brien
“We have Republican presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina on the show tonight! First she’s gonna talk about the campaign, then she’s gonna help me fix the paper jam in our printer.” – Jimmy Fallon
“All the presidential candidates are trying to woo millennials. I’m not sure college kids can identify with 22 people desperately fighting for one job. No surprise, the leader in the race to attract them on social media is Hillary Clinton. After all, a Clinton in the White House is the ultimate #ThrowbackThursday.” – Stephen Colbert
“Hillary has already released a millennial-friendly plan to handle student loan debt, saying no student should have to take out a loan to pay for tuition if attending a four-year public college. Amen. Paying off my student loan debt is the only reason I took this CBS gig. Twelve more years.” – Stephen Colbert
“Political experts say it is increasingly likely that the federal government will be forced to shut down on October 1 due to the dispute over Planned Parenthood funding. That’s right — ironically if lawmakers don’t fund Planned Parenthood, there is no Plan B.” – Seth Meyers
