“If you’re watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!” – Jimmy Fallon
“Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching ‘The Bachelorette.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like ‘Can I do that? I don’t want to be here!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Allowing 11 candidates to debate is the adult version of giving every kid on the soccer team a participation trophy. – Jimmy Kimmel
“A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1 million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, ‘Make it $2 million and I’ll STAR in them!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn’t like things that are filled with too much air.” – Conan O’Brien
“Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. ‘The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.’ He’s right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people ‘losers’ and ‘morons’, he reads it off a card.” – Seth Meyers
“According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Olive Garden is bringing back its ‘Pasta Pass,’ which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.” – Conan O’Brien
“In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.” – Conan O’Brien
“After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his teacher thought his iPhone was a gun.” – Seth Meyers
“In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What’s going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?” – Conan O’Brien
“As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives… It’s tight.” – Jimmy Fallon
