“Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn’t using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night Donald Trump had a big rally at the American Airline center in Dallas. Thousands of people came out to see him. Arena staff estimated the numbers between 9,000 and 15,000 people. ‘USA Today’ put the crowd at 17,000 people. The Trump Campaign says there were well over a million people there to cheer him on. It really is incredible how much bragging Donald Trump can squeeze into speech.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics.” – Conan O’Brien
“People started lining up hours before the door opened. Some made up their minds they like Trump and others were there to learn more about a candidate they are considering. He speaks to us as Americans because it’s not politics as usual anymore. This is politics as unusual.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“It seems like everybody’s weighing in on Trump. In fact, the creator of ‘Dilbert’ predicted that Trump will win the presidency, and also compared him to Jesus. And people hope he’s right – cuz they would LOVE a three-day break from Donald Trump.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him. Apparently, they like him because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end.” – Conan O’Brien
“New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I’m sure it’s not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon.” – Seth Meyers
“I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb’s baggage and he was like, ‘You lost my brother?!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tomorrow night’s second GOP debate will take place at the Reagan Presidential Library. So on behalf of librarians everywhere, let me just say ‘shhh…'” – Seth Meyers
“Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, is struggling in the polls. According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. Today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mark Zuckerberg announced that a dislike button is finally coming to Facebook. Finally a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby.” – Conan O’Brien
“And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he’s felt ‘used’ by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, ‘Um, hello! That’s like 99 percent of my day!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“The government has unveiled a new website that predicts your financial worth after graduating college. It doesn’t give you a number, just tells you which Starbucks you’ll be working at and for how long.” – Conan O’Brien
