“According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you’re about to be spontaneous. ‘Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 … Boo!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“These days one of the most important factors in a successful campaign is the online merchandise store, where you can buy candidate-themed T-shirts, mugs, and trucker caps. Lots of great gift ideas for everyone you know named Rand.” – Stephen Colbert
“It’s important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like Hillary Clinton’s ‘Chillary’ drink koozie. It’s her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method.” – Stephen Colbert
“You’re not just buying useless crap, you’re doing your patriotic duty to buy useless crap. As Rand Paul says of his own online merchandise, ‘Thomas Jefferson would be proud.’ So much better than Rand’s original slogan, ‘Impress a slaveholder!'” – Stephen Colbert
“Bernie Sanders has a great coffee mug that says ‘Feel the Bern.’ Which Senator Sanders was specifically told by H.R. not to say to his interns.” – Stephen Colbert
“Even billionaire Donald Trump is funding his campaign with a store. Which is great because where else could you find something with his name on it?” – Stephen Colbert
“Everyone’s still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give ‘motivational speeches’. I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone.” – Jimmy Fallon
“During yesterday’s rally supporting her opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. She apparently met her husband in a John Steinbeck novel.” – Seth Meyers
