“In a recent interview, Sarah Palin supported Donald Trump’s immigration policies and said that when immigrants are in the U.S., they should ‘speak American’. Then immigrants were like, ‘You first’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Political insiders are saying that Donald Trump’s continued popularity is causing Mitt Romney to consider entering the GOP primary race. Wow, Mitt Romney. Just when you thought the GOP field couldn’t get any more interesting, you were right.” – Seth Meyers
“In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump’s candidacy ‘an unfortunate development’. Incidentally, ‘an unfortunate development’ is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A new report found that the U.S. economy created 173,000 jobs last month. The most common job created this summer was a teacher. The second most common? Republican presidential candidate.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Kim Davis, the county clerk who went to jail because she refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses, got out of jail today. She says she believes in the sanctity of marriage so much that she’s been married to four different men.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If you don’t feel comfortable signing a license to let gay people get married, that’s all right. Just quit. This was a Supreme Court decision. You’re a government worker. This is like refusing to issue drivers licenses because you’re Amish.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“President Obama has announced plans to rename Mount McKinley ‘Denali,’ after its original Native American name. Because it turns out it’s easier to rename a mountain than a football team.” – Seth Meyers
“Vice President Biden spoke to voters in Pittsburgh yesterday and continued to hint at a possible 2016 run. So no announcement yet, he was just there to rub elbows with voters. Rub elbows? Rub shoulders. Rub noses. Basically, if you got it, Joe Biden will rub it. Biden-rub, 2016. “– Seth Meyers
“Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The Bush administration’s secretary of state, Colin Powell, has come out in support of the Iran nuclear deal, and is calling the agreement ‘remarkable’ — while George W. Bush is calling the deal ‘nucular’.” – Seth Meyers
