“Today is Bill Clinton’s birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it.” – Conan O’Brien
“Today, Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasized her humble economic background. In the ad she says, ‘Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new CNN poll shows that Donald Trump is within six points of Hillary Clinton. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman over 40.” – Seth Meyers
“Trump recently said he won’t eat Oreos anymore because the company that makes them moved to Mexico. Then Chris Christie said, ‘Does that mean I can start dipping them in salsa?'” – Jimmy Fallon
‘The beautiful Heidi Klum is on the show tonight. Donald Trump was actually quoted as saying that Heidi is ‘no longer a 10.’ Heidi said the comment didn’t bother her, especially coming from someone who was never even a 4.’ – Jimmy Fallon
“The FDA has approved a prescription pill to enhance a woman’s sex drive. Addyi has been nicknamed ‘pink Viagra.’ It’s interesting how it actually works. You don’t take it yourself. You give the pill to your husband and it makes him do the dishes, and then you have sex.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“If you’re in a relationship with a man who has to take a pill and you’re a woman who has to take one to get interested, maybe you should just watch TV instead.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They’re saying, ‘Wow, 14 states. That’s more than half of the states.'” – James Corden
“The TSA’s airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.” – Jimmy Fallon
