“After being accused of making sexist comments about Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump went on CNN yesterday and said, ‘I cherish women. I want to help women.’ Then Hillary said, ‘Well, you’re really helping THIS woman.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump insisted he’s always had a great relationship with women. He said, ‘I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that’s Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump’s public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, ‘Quitting!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump’s top strategist has stepped down after Trump seemed to imply last week that Megyn Kelly was menstruating during the debate. Even more shocking, Donald Trump has had a campaign strategist this entire time.” – Seth Meyers
“During the earlier debate, Rick Perry said that if he were elected he would ‘tear up’ the nuclear agreement with Iran. Then Obama had it laminated just to mess with him.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it’s Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee.” – Seth Meyers
“North Korea is creating its own time zone. It’s going to push the country’s time back a half hour. So it’s not bad enough that they don’t have food and they’re ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch ‘Wheel of Fortune.'” – Conan O’Brien
“A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: ‘To be, or not to be … Wait, what was the question?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California.” – Conan O’Brien
