“Tom Cruise is here to promote the new ‘Mission: Impossible’ movie, which I believe is all about Donald Trump’s PR team.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump said this weekend that he is self-financing his campaign and is not beholden to donors and special interests. Or other nations. Or his party. Or the wealthy, or middle class, poor people, citizens or voters, humans, plants, animals…” – Seth Meyers
“According to multiple new polls, Donald Trump is still leading the field of Republican candidates for president, which I have to say is all going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton ‘easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.’ When asked what he based that on, Trump said, ‘I heard ME say it just now. So it’s gotta be true.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“A CNN poll has Trump with 18 percent, ahead of Jeb Bush in second place with 15 percent. This is how we do things now. We find our spouses on ‘The Bachelorette’ and our presidents on ‘The Apprentice’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie’s favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It’s a combo platter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie’s prom fantasy in high school. ‘Want to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“New York Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced a new plan to improve LaGuardia Airport. That’s right, they’re going to burn it down.” – Seth Meyers
“Time magazine interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign, and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Then Hillary was like, ‘Yeah. That wasn’t me.'” – Jimmy Fallon
