“A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a ‘self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.’ Or as Trump put it, ‘You forgot very rich … I’m a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Donald Trump’s children released a statement this week calling their father a ‘true visionary and a great mentor.’ And Trump released a statement calling his kids ‘suck-ups’ and ‘not the best’.” – Seth Meyers
“After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham’s cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he’s getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham’s latest campaign slogan, ‘New phone, who dis?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.” – Jimmy Fallon
