“Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he’s running for president. Before he announced he’s running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said every American should be able to afford to attend one of her speeches.” – Conan O’Brien
“In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, ‘Don’t vote for me.’ Graham’s supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At a summit this weekend, President Obama accidentally missed a high five from the prime minister of Iraq. Pretty embarrassing, but not as bad as the time George W. Bush left Saddam hanging.” – Seth Meyers
“The biggest blockbuster of the summer is coming out, and it stars Barack Obama. It’s a Disney picture called ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Economy.'” – Seth Meyers
“We have a historic drought going on now in this state. Due to the drought, California Governor Jerry Brown said he has cut back on bathing. As a result, Californians have cut back on hanging out with Jerry Brown.” – Conan O’Brien
“A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans.” – Conan O’Brien
