“Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by ‘Spider-Man’ star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it’s free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it’s $100,000 to get out.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Senator Lindsey Graham announced that he’s running for president because, you know, you want 50 people to run for president.” – Seth Meyers
“If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he’d also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony.” – Seth Meyers
“According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he’s running for president is like soccer’s World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Senator Ted Cruz said he thinks John F. Kennedy would be a Republican if he were alive today. Well, of course he would be Republican. He’d be 98 years old.” – Seth Meyers
“In the world of soccer, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced he’s resigning only four days after he was re-elected. Now Sepp Blatter will go back to sounding like a disease you look up on WebMD.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In the world of soccer, after the arrest of numerous other officials, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced his resignation this afternoon. Sepp Blatter doesn’t sound like the name of a guy who’s stepping down. It sounds like the reason.” – Seth Meyers
“The 79-year-old FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, will resign less than a week after the organization was rocked by a corruption scandal. But if you only learned one thing from all this, it’s that you can never trust a 79-year-old Blatter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.” – Conan O’Brien
