“During a speech in Iowa this weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they ‘can’t have it all’. Billionaires would’ve responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all.” – Jimmy Fallon
“There’s massive corruption, a massive scandal, in international soccer. The first clue was when a soccer team scored a suspiciously high three goals in one game.” – Conan O’Brien
“Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous. My daughter isn’t marrying a lawyer.'” – Conan O’Brien
“In Michigan, the world’s oldest person recently turned 116. When the president called to congratulate her, she said, ‘Tell McKinley I’m busy.'” – Conan O’Brien
