“George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, ‘As I like to tell the ‘C’ students, you too can be president.’ Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you’re keeping score, that’s basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.” – Conan O’Brien
“Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their healthcare than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can’t afford healthcare, just buy yourself an Apple Watch.” – Seth Meyers
“I can’t wait for the Republican debates to start and there’s literally 65 guys on one stage.” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear. ” – David Letterman
“During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield’s fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Holyfield won the fight. It’s not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.” – David Letterman
“That’s right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we’ve seen this month. … This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, ‘That looks fake.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin reportedly scored eight goals during a hockey game in Sochi this weekend. And the goalie only had one save: his own life.” – Seth Meyers
“Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama joined Twitter today with a tweet that began ‘Hello, Twitter!’ His bio says, ‘Dad, husband, and president of the United States.’ He didn’t have to say ‘Dad’. We got that when he tweeted ‘Hello, Twitter!'” – Seth Meyers
“Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that’s me. I’m sorry, that’s me.” – David Letterman
“Tonight I will be talking with Tom Hanks. Next week I’ll be at the post office talking with the clerk.” – David Letterman
