“Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, ‘You know what, we’re good. We’re gonna head back now. We’ve had enough.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.” – Conan O’Brien
“The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents’ occupations as being ‘the prince and princess of the United Kingdom.’ It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than ‘unemployed’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I’m giving my two-week notice.” – David Letterman
“Don’t worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of ‘The Sunshine Boys’ with Jay Leno.” – David Letterman
