“Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, ‘Good luck with the reboot of your ’90s show.’ And they said, ‘Thanks. Good luck with yours.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She’s here to announce her run for president.” – David Letterman
“This will be Michelle Obama’s last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.” – David Letterman
“Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn’t made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.” – David Letterman
“I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.” – David Letterman
“The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday’s hearings watching the Tony Award nominations.” – David Letterman
“North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, ‘Looking good, Un.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It’s called ‘Selfish’. It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can’t judge a book by its cover? This one you can.” – Jimmy Kimmel
