On his plans for his remaining time in office: “After the midterm elections, my advisers asked me, ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, ‘Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration — bucket. New climate regulations — bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”
On Dick Cheney: “A few weeks ago, Dick Cheney says he thinks I’m the worst President of his lifetime. Which is interesting, because I think Dick Cheney is the worst President of my lifetime.”
On Jeb Bush: “It turns out Jeb Bush identified himself as ‘Hispanic’ back in 2009. Which you know what, look, I understand. It’s an innocent mistake. Reminds me of when I identified myself as ‘American’ back in 1961.”
On the economy and Hillary Clinton: “I’ve got to stay focused on my job, because for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty. For example, I have one friend, just a few weeks ago, she was making millions of dollars a year and she’s now living out of a van in Iowa.”
On Bernie Sanders: “And Bernie Sanders might run. I like Bernie. Bernie is an interesting guy. Apparently some folks really want to see a pot-smoking socialist in the White House. We could get a third Obama term after all.”
On Ted Cruz: “Ted Cruz said that denying the existence of climate change made him like Galileo. Now that’s not really an apt comparison. Galileo believed the Earth revolves around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz.”
On his bromance with Vice President Joe Biden: “We’ve gotten so close that in some places in Indiana they won’t serve us pizza anymore.”
On the challenges of being president: “Being president is never easy. I still have to fix a broken immigration system, issue veto threats, negotiate with Iran – all while finding time to pray five times a day.”
On his rapidly-graying hair: “It is no wonder that people keep pointing out that presidency has aged me. I look so old John Boehner’s already invited Netanyahu to speak at my funeral.”
On ABC’s new series “Blackish”: “Being blackish only makes you popular for so long. There’s a shelf life to that thing.”
On the final years of his presidency: “The fact is I feel more loose and relaxed than ever. Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic. You should try one… Oh, you have?”
On how history will view his presidency: “Just this week, Michele Bachmann actually predicted that I would bring about the biblical end of days. Now, that’s a legacy. That’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t do that.”
