“Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, ‘That locks down the Hispanic vote.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.” – David Letterman
“Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton announced that she is running. Then she drove from New York to Iowa in a van. You can’t be president of the United States unless you agree to eat a corn dog in front of a small group of farmers.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?” – David Letterman
“Have we all decided who we’re going to vote for president yet? You know you only have 574 days left to figure it out.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn’t we just pay taxes last year?” – David Letterman
