“Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She’s going to join the all-female cast of ‘Ghost Busters’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It’s been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.” – Conan O’Brien
“Marco Rubio announced he’s running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio’s wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who’s not going to win.” – Conan O’Brien
“A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.” – Conan O’Brien
“It’s two days until tax time. I know it’s late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.” – David Letterman
