“After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, ‘Hi, I’m here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, ‘But just for Lent. We’ll start again on Monday.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, ‘OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.” – David Letterman
“Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton’s friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she’s nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you’d expect, security’s been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon
“We actually had to tape earlier than usual today. Not because of the first lady’s schedule, but so the Secret Service could make it to happy hour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Right after the show tonight, I’m going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.” – David Letterman
“A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.” – Jimmy Fallon
