“Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It’s a good thing he’s signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Ted Cruz is signing up for Obamacare. This is like finding out Jenny McCarthy went in for a flu shot.” – Seth Meyers
“After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood.” – Conan O’Brien
“And by the way, did you know that Ted Cruz was born in Canada? Now Canada has released this statement: ‘American voters should be aware that while presidential candidate Ted Cruz was in fact born in Canada, he has renounced his Canadian citizenship.’ One down, one to go.” – David Letterman
“We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It’s all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney, two-time presidential campaigner, will step into the boxing ring and he will be fighting Evander Holyfield, who, to my knowledge, has never run for president.” – David Letterman
“A new poll shows that TV presidents featured on shows like ‘The West Wing,’ ’24,’ and ‘Battlestar Galactica’ have a higher favorability rating than President Obama. But he’s not the only politician that people prefer fictional characters to. Instead of Texas Governor Rick Perry, people prefer any male soap opera actor over 50.” – Jimmy Fallon
“NASA’s Mars rover has just completed a marathon traveling 26.2 miles. And once again it was beaten by a Mars rover from Kenya.” – Conan O’Brien
“How many of you intentionally don’t pay your taxes? Me, neither. Whenever I go there to my accountant’s office, I’m taken up in the elevator blindfolded. I said, ‘I’m worried about having money for retirement.’ He said, ‘Don’t worry, you’ll get your cut.'” – David Letterman
