“Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she’s very proud of her Irish heritage, or her Italian heritage, or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I’ve got to get into that Oval Office.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick’s Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.” – Conan O’Brien
“St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year’s Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.” – David Letterman
“Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.” – David Letterman
It turns out they’re already trying a bunch of nicknames to try to hype up the match. First they considered ‘Vanilla in Manila.’ Next up, they tried ‘Lean and Mean versus L.L. Bean.’ Finally, ‘Mitt Romney Loses to Another Black Guy.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.” – Conan O’Brien
“Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.” – David Letterman
“It’s rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, ‘That’s my boy’.” – Conan O’Brien
