“How many of you watched the Oscars last night? And how many of you are still watching it?” – Seth Meyers
“I don’t want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from ‘Boyhood’ just moved into a senior living facility.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t want to say the Oscars ran long, but the best picture Oscar was awarded on ‘Good Morning America’.” – Seth Meyers
“All I could think of all day yesterday while watching all of the Oscar-related shows was how much I miss football.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The ratings for last night’s Academy Awards hit a six-year low. So few people saw the Oscars that it’s been nominated for an Oscar.” – Seth Meyers
“The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, ‘She’s right, I can’t live like this. I can’t take another second of this living hell.'” – Conan O’Brien
