“In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?” – David Letterman
“Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia’s first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.” – Conan O’Brien
“In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, ‘I’m shocked to find out we still sell something people want.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Mitt Romney announced that he is no longer considering running for president in 2016. As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running — the Seattle Seahawks.” – Jimmy Fallon
“An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks.” – Seth Meyers
“It really was an incredible game. And even though the Patriots won, you really have to hand it to Marshawn Lynch. Don’t think about it. Just hand it to Marshawn Lynch.” – Seth Meyers
“In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. I guess we’ll have to sit through the whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP and was given a new Chevy truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires.” – Seth Meyers
“The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they’ve haven’t seen a whiteout like this since last week’s Oscar nominations.” – Conan O’Brien
