“President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he’d want the ability to speak any language. That’s so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.” – Jimmy Fallon
“One of the most Googled questions during this week’s State of the Union address was, ‘How much does the president make?’ When he saw it was $400,000 a year, Mitt Romney said, ‘I’m out!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Joe Biden said he has privately met with 17 Republican senators at his home to try and connect on issues like tax reform. Biden asked what he can do to speed up negotiations, while Democrats asked, ‘Does this door lock from the outside?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Even crazier, every one of them was re-elected this November.” – Seth Meyers
“Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was summoned to answer questions about the footballs that were mysteriously deflated in their game against the Colts. This was covered live on all the sports networks and also live on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and a bunch of local channels. You would think Tom Brady had killed the president’s dog.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Deflate-gate isn’t the only thing in Boston now. Boston is the city chosen to vie for the Summer Olympics in 2024. Mayor Walsh is prohibiting city employees from making negative comments about the games or the process. That seems unnecessary. If people from Boston are known for anything, it’s for keeping their opinions to themselves, right?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“CNN is developing a game show to be hosted by Anderson Cooper. It will be just like the other CNN shows except the contestants will make wild guesses instead of the news anchors.” – Seth Meyers
“California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.” – Conan O’Brien
“As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It’s getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The Jamaican government is considering a bill to decriminalize marijuana. But first they have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place.” – Seth Meyers
