“President Obama will travel to Las Vegas to speak at the same high school where he laid out his immigration plan two years ago. So Obama’s become that guy who graduated a while ago and still comes back to hang with the seniors.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama gave a speech on immigration tonight, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, ‘Uh, make the sidewalk lower?'” – Jimmy Fallon
It’s the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It’s all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln’s cue card guy.” – David Letterman
“Today is Vice President Joe Biden’s birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday.” – Seth Meyers
