“Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, ‘Obama lets in yet another guy from South America.'” – Conan O’Brien
“The Pope also said that while he’s in town he would like to go see ‘The Book of Mormon.'” – David Letterman
“The Pope is coming to New York City. He said he would like to hold audiences with the downtrodden. He’s talking about the Jets and the Giants.” – David Letterman
“President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.” – Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, ‘We don’t give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They’re developing ‘Facebook at Work.’ We already have a Facebook for people at work. It’s called Facebook.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don’t know.” – Conan O’Brien
“This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don’t have the courage to show their faces.” – Conan O’Brien
