“President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That’s after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They’re both in China at the same time. It’s like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.” – David Letterman
“It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today is Veterans Day. It’s a day we honor those who serve and have served in our armed forces. So thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices that you made. I’m talking about actual veterans. Playing ‘Call of Duty’ does not count. I don’t care how many missions you’ve completed.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.” – David Letterman
“After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that ‘Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.’ While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.” – David Letterman
“You’ve got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.” – David Letterman
