“Both President Obama and former President George W. Bush were interviewed on ‘Face the Nation’ over the weekend. President Bush said there’s a 50 percent chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Then he said, ‘But there’s an 80 percent chance he won’t.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend George W. Bush said it’s a toss-up whether his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Bush said there’s a 40-40 chance.” – Seth Meyers
“It was the 60th anniversary of ‘Face the Nation.’ During his interview, President Obama said, ‘Our country doesn’t fear the future. We grab it.’ Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, ‘After those midterms, it’s nice to finally see a friendly face.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, ‘We need one of these things around the White House.'” – David Letterman
“President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.” – David Letterman
“A pastor at a controversial church in Harlem said last week that Starbucks is ground zero for Ebola. Unless ‘Ebola’ is a new Norah Jones CD, I’m betting he’s wrong.” – Seth Meyers
“Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.” – David Letterman
“You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester.” – David Letterman
