“North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance yesterday in over 40 days. But since he saw his shadow, that now means 60 more years of nuclear winter.” – Jimmy Fallon
“For the last two months evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been missing. Well, apparently he is back in public. It turns out he was buried in the end zone at Giants Stadium. He claims he was kidnapped by Neil Patrick Harris.” – David Letterman
“In North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over a month. He’s put on weight and he’s carrying a cane. Kim Jong Un is a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain at this point.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un resurfaced yesterday after more than a month out of the public eye. U.S. officials think that the reason no one saw him for so long is that he was starring in an NBC sitcom.” – Seth Meyers
“Dictator Kim Jong Un is back. He’d been missing. No one knew where he was. No one had seen him for a long time. It was like he was hosting a talk show at 12:30 on CBS.” – Craig Ferguson
“Today the Obama administration announced the 140 people selected from across the country to participate in the fall White House internship program. Unlike the White House itself, the internship program is very hard to get into.” – Seth Meyers
“A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, ‘Why dat?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn’t stop twitching.” – Seth Meyers
“Here in New York City we are ranked as the fourth most rat-populated city in North America. We can do better than fourth, can’t we?” – David Letterman
“Because of health scares, they will be taking your temperature at airport security. Well, that should speed up lines.” – David Letterman
