“They just announced that the budget deficit has shrunk to only $486 billion, which is the lowest it’s been since President Obama took office. Obama said, ‘Well, I guess we’ll just have to work harder … Wait, is that good news?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“They’re getting ready for Halloween at the White House. The pumpkins they’re carving came out of Michelle Obama’s garden. She raised the pumpkins, and the knife they’re using to carve came from a guy who hopped over the fence.” – David Letterman
“Today President Obama gave a speech in California to motivate young voters by discussing his commitment to new technology. Ironically, nobody heard him because they were all staring at their phones.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama’s in Los Angeles tonight for a night of fundraising and traffic jamming.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Traffic is so bad here to start with, and when the president comes in it just gets so much worse. Here’s the thing: Obama has no understanding of commuting because he works from home. He has a home office.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Tickets for the fundraising event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000. For $32,000, you can meet President Obama. That seems very high, especially considering the fact that you can jump the fence at the White House and meet him for free.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Traffic aside, it’s kind of nice to see people in L.A. raising millions of dollars for something that doesn’t involve ‘Transformers’ for a change.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This week a spokesman for Harry Reid said that even though Joe Biden makes a lot of mistakes, he is still able to connect and tell us what’s on his mind. That sounds less like a vice president and more like a chimpanzee that knows sign language.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody’s seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn’t show up at the Clooney wedding.” – David Letterman
“Kim Jong Un has been out of the public eye and North Korean officials say that it’s because he needs a total of 100 days to recover from his foot ailments. When asked what kind of foot ailments, they said ‘liposuction.'” – Seth Meyers
“Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola.” – Seth Meyers
“New York state is spending $750 million to open a solar plant in Buffalo, which will create thousands of jobs. Most of those jobs will be shoveling the snow off the solar equipment.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you’re placing a bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize … you have a gambling problem.” – Seth Meyers
