“A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama’s time in office as a failure. While the rest said, ‘You saw him in his office? When?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Obama was actually in his office yesterday. He met with his Secret Service director to talk about the recent White House security breaches. First they had to address the elephant in the room. Not metaphorically — an actual elephant wandered into the room. Security’s just awful.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, like the White House.” – David Letterman
“A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent of Americans will vote in the midterm elections next month. But on the bright side, 100 percent will still complain about the results.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Last night they had one of those special lunar eclipses called a blood moon. The moon was glowing red, which means that the Republicans have gained another seat in the Senate.” – David Letterman
“t’s rumored that a sequel is in the works to the 1996 movie ‘Independence Day’. I’m not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only like the fifth worst thing we’re dealing with right now.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody’s seen evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. And his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried sick.” – David Letterman
“This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man’s entire argument.” – Seth Meyers
