“After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she’ll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open … literally.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It was reported today that the recent security breaches at the White House could cost the director of the Secret Service her job. Luckily, after she’s escorted out of the building, it should be pretty easy for her to get back in.” – Seth Meyers
“Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama.” – David Letterman
“Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president.” – Conan O’Brien
“We’re having a special night. Everybody here in the balcony is a White House fence jumper.” – David Letterman
“Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system – a scarecrow.” – Seth Meyers
“The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch.” – Conan O’Brien
“Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing.” – David Letterman
“Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in.” – Seth Meyers
“The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was.” – Conan O’Brien
“A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary.” – David Letterman
“This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney if he would run again for president in 2016, and Romney said, ‘We’ll see what happens’. Incidentally, that’s also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance.” – Jimmy Fallon
“In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an ‘enabler’ of the president’s foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn’t the definition of being secretary of state.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, ‘Gay Hitler.'” – Conan O’Brien
“In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it’s very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don’t see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon.” – Seth Meyers
