“President Obama hosted a picnic at the White House today for members of Congress. Obama said it was a great opportunity to gather every member of Congress in one place – so he could turn on the sprinklers. Payback!” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House picnic was actually held one year after it was canceled. Last year the president had too much stuff going on to make time for a picnic, whereas now he just doesn’t care anymore.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“The official ballot is one line: ‘Should Scotland be an independent country?’ And that’s it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says ‘Yes’?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Problems for the NFL continue. Last week Nike suspended Ray Rice’s contract and today they suspended Adrian Peterson’s contract. So now Nike is down to Oscar Pistorius and Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien
“Hillary Clinton’s supporters are calling on her to be more herself, after some of her recent appearances seemed to be too scripted. Hillary said, ‘I don’t know where you guys get this stuff. Shrug and shake head.'” – Jimmy Fallon
