“Bill Clinton gave a speech this weekend. He criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing President Obama. But people from Iowa missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word ‘dissing’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she’s ‘thinking about it’. And next week, she’ll be ‘thinking about it’ when she’s in New Hampshire before she spends a few days ‘thinking about it’ in Florida.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House today came out in support of requiring police officers to wear body cameras at all times. It’s a great way for fans to keep up with their favorite NFL players.” – Seth Meyers
“Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison population. It’s expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34 teams.” – Conan O’Brien
“In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Manhattan was jammed with traffic, streets were filled with people wearing strange clothes and yelling in every conceivable language. Then the U.N. got started.” – Craig Ferguson
“The U.N. delegates fan out across Manhattan to take advantage of diplomatic immunity. They do dangerous stuff just because they can, like get speeding tickets. They can even take pictures of Alec Baldwin.” – Craig Ferguson
“This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes ‘yes,’ it will also leave the European Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin put it, ‘I got dibs!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Of course if Scotland does break up with England, it’ll just do what everyone does: Stalk them on Facebook.” – Jimmy Fallon
