“On Friday President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge on his way back from the NATO summit in Wales. And even crazier — today he made a surprise visit to the White House.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Over the weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge.” – Conan O’Brien
“President Obama visited Stonehenge. It was going well until Biden said ‘Look at the size of those dominoes’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It’s an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter.” – Seth Meyers
“On this date in 1974, Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon. A lot of people think Nixon’s trouble was for Watergate, but it was not. It was for wearing a tan suit.” – David Letterman
“The Department of Transportation is considering building a new high-speed train that could get people from D.C. to Baltimore in 15 minutes. It gets you out of Washington in 15 minutes — or as President Obama calls that, ‘Still not fast enough.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“AMC is coming out with a spin-off of ‘The Walking Dead’ that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It’s called ‘The News’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Prince William and wife Kate are expecting another baby. This is big news — in the year 1614.” – David Letterman
“Now there will be two royal babies. This guy is going to have to start looking for a job, you know what I mean?” – David Letterman
“Also from England, it turns out they have now identified Jack the Ripper. They found the DNA off an old white Ford Bronco. Not only that, but they now know the guy was married to Kelly Ripper.” – David Letterman
“Reportedly the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, finally has been revealed. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games.” – Conan O’Brien
“This weekend a Native American group gathered outside of the Houston-Washington game to protest the Redskins’ nickname. And a group of Cowboys wide receivers gathered outside of the Dallas-San Francisco game because that’s where most of Tony Romo’s passes were landing.” – Seth Meyers
“Our former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, returned today to Sacramento, where they unveiled his official portrait. They do this for all the governors, even the ones who were in ‘The Expendables’.” – Jimmy Kimmel
