“A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it’s bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue.” – Jimmy Fallon
“This week a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, ‘Been there!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I’m not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.” – Jimmy Fallon
“The White House says President Obama won’t make any major announcements during his brief trip back to D.C. this weekend. Reporters said, ‘Isn’t THAT an announcement?'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Oh this isn’t good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, ‘Are you sure this isn’t something a seven-dollar bill can’t get me out of?'” – Jimmy Fallon
