“President Obama went to the beach yesterday while he’s vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. Which got weird when he took out his metal detector to search for $16 trillion in quarters.” – Jimmy Fallon
“During a fundraiser last night, President Obama suggested that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. Which got awkward when Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, ‘You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my even colder, deader fingers.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That’s in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand.” – Conan O’Brien
“Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he’ll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, ‘Unless someone’s taping me. Then I’ll get caught probably.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren’t addicted to crack.” – Jimmy Fallon
