“Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the US-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami.” – Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means – any day now we’ll be invading ourselves.” – David Letterman
“Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don’t know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel.” – Seth Meyers
“Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That’s right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn’t seen that many kicks since Beyoncé’s sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z.” – Jimmy Fallon
“North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed.” – Craig Ferguson
“And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un’s haircut.” – Craig Ferguson
“The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I’m thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don’t work anymore? What is the problem?” – David Letterman
“Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues.” – Jimmy Fallon
“On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia.” – David Letterman
