“Welcome to the Tonight Show. I’m Jimmy Fallon – and in the time it took me to say that, Germany scored five more goals against Brazil.” – Jimmy Fallon
“At the World Cup, Germany defeated Brazil 7-1. Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals.” – David Letterman
“There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, ‘You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning.” – Seth Meyers
“Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they’re going to do next, Germany said, ‘We’re going to invade Disney World!'” – Jimmy Fallon
“Germany took care of Brazil. Now it’s on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia.” – David Letterman
“According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty.” – Seth Meyers
