“This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie – while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ is eight seconds long. You sit down and it’s over.” – Conan O’Brien
“On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that’s what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn’t able to eat for 24 hours.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito.” – David Letterman
“It’s Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico’s Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn’t. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico’s unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone’s fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the day that French armies were defeated at the Battle of Puebla by drunk blond girls in sombreros.” – Seth Meyers
“That is what’s great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“While Cinco de Mayo is kind of a big deal here in the United States, in Mexico it’s not. What would be the American equivalent to Cinco de Mayo in Mexico? Would it be maybe Flag Day?” – Jimmy Kimmel
“Michelle Obama’s brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.” – Conan O’Brien
“The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.” – Conan O’Brien
