“I am obsessed with your program in the same way that I’m obsessed with antibiotic-resistant superbugs or the Pacific garbage patch or the KFC Double Down. Because I just can’t believe that in this day and age, with all that we know, this shit is out there — that humanity, that our society, is still weighed down by these burdens of a seemingly more medieval time. Like your show. To see it night after night, serving up the same shit, my god, you’re the Arby’s of news.” – Jon Stewart (responding to Sean Hannity’s claim that Stewart is obsessed with Hannity’s show just because Stewart made fun of Hannity’s non-stop coverage of Clivan Bundy)
“It’s become clear to me that I’ve won television. You see, Jon, almost nine years ago I promised to change the world and together, I did it.” – Stephen Colbert (stopping by The Daily Show to announce, in character, the real reason that he is ending his show)
“Maybe ride the rails, live boxcar to boxcar, learn how to whip up a hearty stew from peanut shells and a stolen chicken.” – Stephen Colbert (discussing his plans after leaving television)
“Yesterday was Earth Day. And today we went right back to throwing Jamba Juice cups in the rainforest.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“China’s state media has announced that its ‘Cleaning the Web’ Campaign has successfully shut down 110 porn websites. That’s like New York City announcing that their ‘Cleaning the Subway’ campaign has successfully exterminated one rat.” – Seth Meyers
“Evil Vladimir Putin said this about President Obama. He said, ‘If I were drowning, I think President Obama would rescue me.’ And I thought: Well, give that a try.” – David Letterman
