“A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.” – Conan O’Brien
“This year’s Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you’re probably going to see a giant bunny.” – Conan O’Brien
“Speaking of religion, the Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the Pope-mobile with him. Afterwards the Vatican told the Pope, ‘That’s not the kind of publicity we’re looking for.'” – Conan O’Brien
“Every year, the IRS collects over $950 billion in taxes. There’s more money coming at them than a stripper at Charlie Sheen’s house.” – Craig Ferguson
“Let’s play ‘How busy do accountants get on tax day’? They’re busier than drug dealers at Coachella. Busier than someone doing sign language for Regis Philbin. Busier than Justin Bieber’s lawyer. Busier than gossip blogs when a late-night show’s host retires.” – Craig Ferguson
“A new study says that an average person’s chances of getting audited by the IRS is the lowest they’ve been since the 1980s. Don’t get any ideas, Willie Nelson.” – Craig Ferguson
“Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.” – Conan O’Brien
