“President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world’s biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, ‘All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“They’ve kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won’t be getting his G-8 jacket. He won’t be getting the G-8 mug. And he’s not going to get the G-8 tote bag.” – David Letterman
“Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward.” – Seth Meyers
“Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special ‘Judge Judy’.” – Conan O’Brien
“Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson.” – David Letterman
“Michelle Obama is in China. I wonder if while she’s over there she could get them to do something about those leaky cardboard takeout containers.” – David Letterman
“There are reports coming out that Chris Christie has lost 100 pounds since having lap-band surgery. It’s a pretty big loss – you know, for my monologue.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Pope Francis called out the Mafia. He said, ‘You Mafia guys are all going to hell.’ It got me to thinking, who else is going to hell? What about those guys who honk the second the light turns green?” – David Letterman
