“A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can’t find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place.” – Seth Meyers
“Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it’s ‘always right’. Then he went back to organizing an election where you can’t vote No.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, ‘Yeah, right’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn’t know where Crimea was, don’t worry, it’s gone.” – Seth Meyers
“Filmmakers are hoping Pope Francis will watch the new movie ‘Noah.’ That must be really frustrating, I mean, for people in the theater. Can you imagine sitting behind the Pope’s giant hat?” – Craig Ferguson
“Let’s name the Pope’s favorite movies. There’s ‘Holy Ghost Busters’, ‘Dude, Where’s My Cardinal?’, ‘Sistine Candles’, ‘Amen in Black’, ‘Live and Let Diocese’, ‘A Pew Good Men’, and ‘How to Train Your Deacon’.” – Craig Ferguson
“This week RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said the GOP still isn’t where it needs to be to win the White House in 2016. Yeah, it’s not where it should be — kind of like the letters in ‘Reince Priebus’.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the 2014 midterms will be a victory for Republicans thanks to Obamacare. Coincidentally, ‘Reince Priebus’ sounds like something that might be covered under Obamacare.” – Seth Meyers
“The White House revealed that more than 5 million people have now signed up for Obamacare, thanks to the administration’s recent push. They said, ‘And if 5 million signed up, that means at least 50 million tried to sign up.'” – Jimmy Fallon
“In the middle of his latest speech, the president of Colombia wet his pants. I was going to show it here but it makes me sad. I mean, I thought OUR president was having trouble with leaks.” – Craig Ferguson
