“President Obama went shopping at The Gap here in New York City. He ended up buying a sweater for each of his daughters, and a workout jacket for the first lady. You know, because whenever someone visits New York the one souvenir people really want is something from The Gap.” – Jimmy Fallon
“Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn’t been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up.” – David Letterman
“It looks like Obamacare will miss its enrollment goal of 7 million people by March 31, as only 4 million have signed up so far. Republicans haven’t been this excited since the invention of khakis.” – Seth Meyers
“Our president has gotten so desperate that he appeared on this website Funny or Die. By the way, ‘funny or die’ is also the ultimatum you got from Obamacare’s death panels.” – Stephen Colbert
“Now this show Obama went on, Between Two Ferns, went viral, which was all part of Obama’s sinister plan, spread a virus and watch everyone scramble for signing up for health care.” – Stephen Colbert
“President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier.” – Conan O’Brien
“Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise.” – David Letterman
“New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for ‘no’. There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for ‘yes’, and one for ‘murder my family’.” – Seth Meyers
“It’s been very tense between Russia and us recently. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year’s World Cup. Or they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country.” – Jimmy Fallon
“A right wing pastor is saying that the movie “Frozen” will turn kids gay. He also warned that the movie ‘300’ will turn right wing pastors gay.” – Conan O’Brien
